Turning into a lesbian-The secret language of lesbian love - BBC News

Coming out is not just about telling others that we are lesbian, gay or any other sexual identity. This past summer, a small group of women met weekly at Qmunity in Vancouver. The group became a safe, supportive place for the women to explore what coming out meant for them. Meeting with the others in the group helped the women feel less alone and fearful. It also helped to counteract shame and to see positive possibilities for living as queer, lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

Turning into a lesbian

Turning into a lesbian

Turning into a lesbian

Turning into a lesbian

Turning into a lesbian

Beautiful eony slut grew up in a very small, closed-minded town and in a very homophobic family. The socioeconomic position of gay men: A review of the evidence. We convinced ourselves it was a phase. Stay in uncertainty for Turning into a lesbian long as you want. Perhaps because these cohorts of midlife and older LG adults commonly built chosen family networks Turning into a lesbian age peers Weston,the health transitions of community members marked a turning point in their own lives, as well. We were all of different ages and backgrounds, and that only added to the richness. There are still a handful of dyke bars left in the world, and one of them is in Seattle: the Wildrose. A few interviews were conducted in ldsbian locations such as shopping centers and cafes; ihto these cases, the researcher and interviewee sat in the location that provided the greatest level of privacy with the least foot traffic. Dr Lisa Diamond, associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, has been following a group of 79 women for 15 years, tracking the shifts in their sexual identity.

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Over a period of a few months, the BBC spoke to dozens of young lesbians in a country where homosexuality is illegal.

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  • Since I like to start things out right, I decided that the first post of this blog would be about the time I turned a girl into a lesbian.
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Coming out is not just about telling others that we are lesbian, gay or any other sexual identity. This past summer, a small group of women met weekly at Qmunity in Vancouver. The group became a safe, supportive place for the women to explore what coming out meant for them.

Meeting with the others in the group helped the women feel less alone and fearful. It also helped to counteract shame and to see positive possibilities for living as queer, lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

No sexual identity label is required. Stay in uncertainty for as long as you want. Try things on, then modify or throw them out as needed.

There is no pressure to come out in any particular way, just encouragement to take responsible, self-loving risks. I had a wonderful relationship with a woman when I was I was a missionary at the time and was filled with a lot of guilt and fear, so I suppressed that part of myself. As I started to think about coming out, I asked myself, "What will God think of me if I have another relationship with a woman?

I now feel confident about finding fulfillment in this way. The coming out group was an important part of the process. We were all of different ages and backgrounds, and that only added to the richness. It was good to have a place where I could totally express what I was going through and feel supported and safe in doing so. I feel like I'm on a journey and I'm not sure where Ill be going next. It's a good journey, though, and I'm finally true to myself. After a good five years of therapy and healing progress, the waters had started to calm.

Time had separated the relationships worth keeping from the ones I wouldn't miss. People's judgments dictated the quality of the relationships that survived.

I accepted that. I was as close as I could get to being 'accepted' again. At 29, I realized my newest label: GAY. I had come to the realization that I am a lesbian. A dyke. Whatever your label of choice. I didn't "turn into" or "decide to become" gay. I simply realized and accepted an aspect of myself that previously had been misrepresented.

I am not looking forward to the "coming out" process. Will it leave me vulnerable once again and change relationships I worked so hard to salvage? I'm hoping for a smoother journey than I had when I was 24, but I won't know the full effects until long after I've tallied the initial losses and saves. Sadly, I know I stand to lose the trust and respect of some people. I may lose some people from my life completely.

But I know from experience that it will hurt less than the damage I stand to suffer by keeping it hidden. I'm making a big effort to stand solidly behind all the things that make me, ME. Take me or leave me, but I want the world to know who I am. As a lesbian and a practising Muslim, it took me many years to stop debating mainly with myself whether or not having a same-sex partner was acceptable to God.

I was afraid I was going against God's teachings and that I'd pay the price in this life or the hereafter. But it became clear to me that it was not my choice and that God had created me this way. Trying to live as a straight woman would be living a lie.

And I don't believe God put me on this earth to go through life pretending to be someone else. I began to feel that the dragging weight of this secret would affect my mental, physical and emotional health in a serious way. People come and go, but God is always there. Yet it took me years to get to the point of actually connecting directly with the Creator about this issue.

There did come a day when, in great despair, I reached out to God for help. There's a special prayer one can do just before bedtime. You can pose any issue where guidance is needed—and I needed guidance about whether God accepts my being a lesbian.

That very night I had a dream in which the message was clear. I got my answer, symbolically. I always felt it was my faith in God and my being gay that was causing my anxiety, because I couldn't reconcile the two. When I finally put my trust in God and asked for guidance, I felt the support and acceptance I'd been searching for all along. What took you so long?

Scared, alone and confused. I grew up in a very small, closed-minded town and in a very homophobic family. I heard gay bashing and put-downs constantly. I was afraid to tell my friends. All I had was TV, movies and the computers at school to help me understand. I spent every lunch hour looking stuff up on the Internet. They saved my life. I loved watching the life I wanted.

It was my own fantasy world, an escape where I could be true to myself. Three years later, I built up the courage to tell my two best friends. They supported me! Four years after that, my family found out. They reacted with denial and anger.

I moved to the big city, where there's a wonderful gay community, and became actively gay. I worked up the nerve to tell my mom that I had a date with a girl—and my mom flipped. But I'd had enough of their abuse. I felt that if they couldn't accept me for who I am, they couldn't be in my life, so I cut them out.

It was very hard, because we had been very close. My family are now back in my life, and we are slowly working on things. They are trying their best, which is all I can ask for. Joining the women's a group really empowered me. It showed me, in real life, that I wasn't alone. When I told my mom about the group, she was very happy for me—a big step for her.

Now I'm fully out to my family, with no abuse for the first time in my life. It's wonderful. I'm as strong and courageous as ever. Last summer's Pride celebration was my first real Pride that wasn't on a television or movie screen.

I waved that flag with pride—pride for who I am and pride for everyone like me. A long time ago, a girl kissed me. We never labeled our relationship, but it was the first time I fell in love. I couldn't avoid smiling every time I saw her—and people started to talk.

In a small town in Mexico, people's talk matters. Parents started telling my friends not to hang around with me and I ended up being quite isolated. The girl left me as well. The gossip reached my parents.

I can still see the repulsion and disgust on my mother's face. My mother never hugged me again. I wanted to 'belong' so badly that I became a secretly non-straight, publicly homophobic person. I learned to divide my life, and love became a private matter. I left my family about 10 years ago, as soon as I finished university, with my heart broken into a thousand pieces.

I got tired of running two shows. About two years ago, I started a painful process of putting myself in one piece. It took me a year to write a letter, which I brought to them in person. They took about two minutes to read it—and then asked me to leave. But, they called me on my next birthday. Since then, they've made an effort to get to know me.

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Turning into a lesbian

Turning into a lesbian

Turning into a lesbian

Turning into a lesbian

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7 Bizarre Theories On What ‘Causes’ Lesbianism – The Establishment

F or Carren Strock, the revelation came when she was She had met her husband — "a terrific guy, very sweet" — at high school when she was 16, had been married to him for 25 years, had two dearly loved children, and what she describes as a "white-picket-fence existence" in New York.

Then, one day, sitting opposite her best friend, she realised: "Oh my God. I'm in love with this woman. From that moment Strock's understanding of her sexuality changed completely. She felt compelled to tell her friend, but her attraction wasn't reciprocated; at first she wasn't sure whether she had feelings for women in general, or just this one in particular.

But she gradually came to realise, and accept, that she was a lesbian. She also started to realise that her experience wasn't unusual. Strock decided to interview other married women who had fallen in love with women, "putting up fliers in theatres and bookstores. Late-blooming lesbians — women who discover or declare same-sex feelings in their 30s and beyond — have attracted increasing attention over the last few years, partly due to the clutch of glamorous, high-profile women who have come out after heterosexual relationships.

Cynthia Nixon , for instance, who plays Miranda in Sex and the City, was in a heterosexual relationship for 15 years, and had two children, before falling for her current partner, Christine Marinoni, in Last year, it was reported that the British singer Alison Goldfrapp , who is in her mids, had started a relationship with film editor Lisa Gunning.

The actor Portia de Rossi was married to a man before coming out and falling in love with the comedian and talkshow host, Ellen DeGeneres , whom she married in And then there's the British retail adviser and television star, Mary Portas , who was married to a man for 13 years, and had two children, before getting together with Melanie Rickey , the fashion-editor-at-large of Grazia magazine.

At their civil partnership earlier this year the pair beamed for the cameras in beautiful, custom-made Antonio Berardi dresses. The subject has now begun attracting academic attention.

Next month at the American Psychological Association's annual convention in San Diego, a session entitled Sexual Fluidity and Late-Blooming Lesbians is due to showcase a range of research, including a study by Christan Moran, who decided to look at the lives of women who had experienced a same-sex attraction when they were over 30 and married to a man.

Moran is a researcher at Southern Connecticut University, and her study was prompted in part by an anguished comment she found on an online message board for married lesbians, written by someone who styled herself "Crazy". She also wanted to explore the notion, she writes, that "a heterosexual woman might make a full transition to a singular lesbian identity.

In other words, they might actually change their sexual orientation. Sarah Spelling, a former teacher, says she can well understand how "you can slide or slip or move into another identity". After growing up in a family of seven children in Birmingham, Spelling met her first serious partner, a man, when she was at university.

They were together for 12 years, in which time they were "fully on, sexually," she says, although she adds that she has never had an orgasm with a man through penetrative sex. Spelling is a keen feminist and sportsperson, and met lesbian friends through both of these interests. That's not me! After "lots of talking together, over a year or so," they formed a relationship. She's a keen walker. So am I. She runs. So do I. We had lots in common, and eventually I realised I didn't have that with men.

From the start of the relationship, she felt completely at ease, although she didn't immediately define herself as a lesbian. And I wouldn't define myself as bisexual. Dr Lisa Diamond, associate professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, has been following a group of 79 women for 15 years, tracking the shifts in their sexual identity.

What's interesting, says Diamond, is that transitions in sexual identity aren't "confined to adolescence. People appear equally likely to undergo these sorts of transitions in middle adulthood and late adulthood. In my study, what I often found was that women who may have always thought that other women were beautiful and attractive would, at some point later in life, actually fall in love with a woman, and that experience vaulted those attractions from something minor to something hugely significant.

It wasn't that they'd been repressing their true selves before; it was that without the context of an actual relationship, the little glimmers of occasional fantasies or feelings just weren't that significant. Diamond has a hunch that the possibility of moving across sexual boundaries increases as people age.

I think a lot of women, late in life, when they're no longer worried about raising the kids, and when they're looking back on their marriage and how satisfying it is, find an opportunity to take a second look at what they want and feel like. Diamond's work has sometimes been distorted by rightwing factions in the US, who have suggested it shows homosexuality is optional.

It was not a conscious choice. I think the culture tends to lump together change and choice, as if they're the same phenomenon, but they're not. Puberty involves a heck of a lot of change, but you don't choose it. There are life-course transitions that are beyond our control. This was certainly true for Laura Manning, a lawyer from London, who is now in her late 40s. She had always had a vague inkling she might have feelings for women, but met a man at university, "a really gentle man, Jeff, and I fell in love with him, and for a long time that was enough to balance my feelings".

She married him in her late 20s, had two children in her early 30s, "and once I'd got that maternal part of my life out of the way, I suddenly started thinking about me again.

I was still living with Jeff, and I just started shutting down our relationship. He knew I was pushing him away. The marriage ended, and Manning moved out. She has since had two long-term relationships with women, and says she's much happier since she came out, but suspects that her biological urge to have children, and her genuine feelings for Jeff, made her marriage inevitable on some level. The intensity of feeling in my relationship with Jeff overcame and blanketed my desires for women.

When Tina Humphrys, 70, first fell in love with a woman, she didn't define herself as a lesbian, "I just thought: 'It's her. I used to lie on the couch and my eyes would fill with tears as they had their naps. She had found women attractive in the past, "but I think women do, don't they? You look and you think — that dress looks fabulous, or isn't she looking slim, or doesn't she look pretty. But you don't necessarily put sexual feelings on it.

It was a decision to leave a particularly oppressive and restrictive way of living and try to live differently. Strock echoes this view. And very few raise their hands. And then I went to a gay women's group, and I said, how many of you have ever felt the same? So connections with women are very different to connections between women and men. Orbach says that the initial love connection between mother and daughter makes lesbian feelings in later life unsurprising.

I mean, we're still not really father-raised, are we, so it's a very big journey for women to get to heterosexuality. What happens is that you layer heterosexuality on top of that bond. You don't suddenly switch away from it. You don't give up that very intimate attachment to a woman. It's really hard for people to accept. When the first edition of Strock's book was published, "a woman came up to me at one of my early speaking engagements, clutching the book and sobbing," she says.

And she had decided that the best thing was to kill herself on a night when she knew her husband and children were going to be out late. She'd planned her suicide. She was coming home from work for what she thought would be the last time, and she passed a bookstore, and they were putting my book in the window, and when she realised that she wasn't the only one, she chose to live". The late-blooming lesbians I spoke to had all found happiness on their different paths.

Strock is still a lesbian — and also still married to her husband, who knows about her sexuality. I'm a lesbian, but we share a house, we have separate rooms, we have two grandchildren now, and our situation is not unique. We're an anti-ageing society. We like people to be young, nubile and attractive.

Your sexual future might actually be pretty dynamic and exciting — and whatever went on in your past might not be the best predictor at all of what your future has in store. Topics Relationships. Reuse this content. Order by newest oldest recommendations. Show 25 25 50 All. Threads collapsed expanded unthreaded. Loading comments… Trouble loading?

Turning into a lesbian